Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The good, the bad and the ugly

What is it about spending time with your family makes you see the good, the bad and the ugly in yourself? I had such an amazing time visiting my grandparents house and cramming into their tiny beach house with my two boys, my husband, my aunt, my cousin and my mom...but there was something that was admittedly bittersweet about it for me. Perhaps the close quarters allowed me these glimpses of parts of my family members that I see in myself but don't always (or CAN'T always) see. I look at my mom, and though I love her dearly, there are parts of her that I see in myself that I wish were different (and I'm sure there are more than a few of my traits that she sees in my that she wishes she could change and maybe even a couple that she wished she had not passed along through the gene pool!).

As I am dealing with my ADD, I am beginning to take a careful inventory of myself and the words I choose to say, the behaviors I choose to exhibit, the moods I get in, the thoughts I think and contrast all these pieces against who I WISH I was, how I WISH I acted. This week offered me some unexpected food for thought. Don't misread me, I had a blast and love my family dearly, but spending so much time with them sort of allowed me to see a mirror image of myself in some ways, though in other ways, I am always amazed at how we can all be so different despite being related. I guess I had a birds' eye view of what makes me tick, and the fact that I was seeking this perspective allowed me to have it. I hope I don't offend any of my family members that read this, it certainly isn't my intention, but there's something about being near to your roots that kind of let you peel away another layer of yourself and say "aha". I guess the best way to describe it is that I saw a roomful of ME interacting with a roomful of ME...when I heard my grandmother and mother bickering, er, talking, I really heard me and my mother talking or more specifically, ME talking to ME. Yes, that's a better way to put what I'm trying to say...and then I thought..."Man...when I'm 70, am I still going to be doing the same things (whether good or bad) I'm doing at 30? It looks like the answer is yes." And that bothered me a bit. I guess I was hoping that I might become this perfect version of me by the time I grow old and these weeks sort of served to point out to me that perhaps that won't be the case. I know I have many weaknesses (and to be fair, I guess we all do) but I thought they would smooth over after many years, but unless I start to make some changes NOW, it looks like I will be the same ME...only older.

No comments: