Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Tales of being busy, bored and happy

I keep telling Adam I'm bored.  He keeps looking at me like I'm crazy.  "But you're SO busy!", he always responds, "You never sit still!  How in the world can you be bored?".  Good question.  I guess I've come to realize that boredom isn't created out of a state of standing still.  Bored, uninspired, unmotivated...whatever I call it, I feel it.  And I'm not sure how to fix it.

Call me crazy, but I've been fantasizing about being in school again.  Just recently, when listening to my iPod, I stumbled across the playlist I used to listen to just before exams, to get me motivated to do my best.  I listened to the whole thing, wistful for the days when I had a goal I was working toward.  I miss being motivated.  I miss kicking ass at something.

Adam will argue that I AM kicking ass at something, which is being a mother...but I think I might disagree.  I'm present.  I'm with the kids.  I'm at every single soccer practice.  I am the one who picks Ethan up at school each and every day.  I'm the one who makes it possible for Ethan to do Cub Scouts (which he loves).  I'm the one who enables him to do Science Club after school once a week (which he also loves).  I'm the one who provides dinner on the table every night (note I said "provide" and not "cook"!), I'm the one who gives the boys a bath every night and tucks them into bed most nights (at least one of them anyway, depending on the demands of Adam's schedule).  I'm the one who puts clean laundry into their drawers, makes sure they have breakfast, makes sure they visit the library regularly.  I'm the one who sits (not always patiently, I might add) while Ethan does homework, I'm the one who organizes his book bag for school, who makes sure he has everything he needs and anticipates the things that he might need but doesn't know it yet.  I'm around to help out in his classroom and chaperone field trips.  I'm the one teaching Eli the alphabet.  And teaching him how to pee in a potty.  It's me who holds his chubby hand in mine while I grocery shop for the four of us, who takes him to the park on nice days, who watches Thomas the Train alongside him (even though it makes me want to gouge my own eyes out).  I'm helping my synagogue raise money.  I'm helping Ethan's Cub Scout den.  I'm reading books I haven't had time to read.

My days are so full.  So why am I feeling so empty?  I know the ability to do these things is a blessing.  I am grateful that I can do them all and that my husband not only makes it possible for me to do these things, but encourages me, supports me and cheers me on while I do it all.  I feel ashamed for feeling bored.  I do not wish my children to grow up too fast and I do not wish to miss any of what is the solution?  If I go back to school, I will miss some (or a lot) of this stuff.  Is this just a temporary case of the blues?  Of thinking that the grass is greener?  Am I still adjusting to my decision to put nursing school on the back burner?  Who knows?  Would taking golf lessons or a photography class or joining a knitting group help?

So, these ridiculous, spoiled, self-pitying thoughts are what's been tumbling around my head these days.  And then, just this morning, I got a little shove to smarten up (From G-d?  The universe?  Myself?) in the form of Ethan's daily folder.  It was the push I needed to stop complaining and start enjoying again.  I'd just stepped out of the shower this morning after dropping Ethan off from school when I spotted it sitting on the counter.  He's supposed to have it every day as his teacher uses it to send home work, communications and all kinds of other important first grade stuff.  Ethan is like me: he panics when he realizes he doesn't have everything he needs.  I'm sure when he got to school this morning, his stomach sank when he unpacked his bag and realized his folder was missing.  Suddenly, I felt like Super Woman!  I could fix this!  I had nowhere to be, nothing to do!!  I hopped in the car and dropped it off at school.  Ta da!  Suddenly, I was reminded of the benefits of my choices and my spirit soared.  Just like that.

1 comment:

Angela said...

Just happened to read your latest post - and it is so true! I sometimes feel so 'empty' even though my life is so 'full' too! One day, it will be an official diagnosis, SAHM syndrome or something...the chronic, slow deterioration of a woman's inner drive and ambition for anything outside the home or kids that is often experienced by one-time over-achieving career women who have their degree(s) have had a career (or more) have dreams on the back burner while they live their 'dream' of raising children and being hopelessly devoted to their family's well being....or something like that.

Sometimes, I feel very spoiled even mentally lamenting it....we are very lucky to be in this position and we both have 2 wonderful boys and supportive husbands...but it is a bit like an itch you can't scratch.

So, just stopping by to say HI!

Angela (the other Ethan's mom)