Thursday, February 24, 2011

Tales of Where I've Been and Where I Am

I set out to write a very different post tonight than the one I'm about to write.  

When I logged into Blogger, 
and saw that October 27th was the last time I posted, 
it gave me pause.  
It was not only that it had been almost four months 
since I had anything to write, 
but my blog didn't even *look* the same.  
All the pretty images and borders were all gone 
and replaced with ugly "this image no longer exists" messages.

But it was the "this image no longer exists" messages that I found serendipitous.  For a few reasons.  

First, the post I was going to write tonight 
had to do with a workshop I am participating in 
that I am hoping will pull me out of a mindset 
that I have allowed myself to settle into 
that I no longer want to be in.
I had convinced myself I was starting to make some progress
and when I reread my last post from October, 
I was somewhat frustrated (completely ticked) to see, 
that thanks to my own words, 
there is proof positive that I am 
in EXACTLY the same mindset today, on February 24th, 
that I was on October 27th. 
That was the final straw for me.  
There it was, glaring at me, in black and white.  
My own self-pitying, over-analyzing, whining crap 
staring me dead in the eyes.  
And I'm sick of it.  I'm over myself.  

So the message "this image no longer exists"?  
Well, I want that to be true.  
I want this ridiculous mindset I'm in, 
this *image*, to no longer exist.  
This inner struggle I've had about 
going back to school, not going back to school, 
blah, blah,'s got to end. 

(And  you should feel grateful that I'm saving you all a lot of boring detail by not telling the latest tale of my recent tangle with organic chemistry and a hospitalized - and now healthy - little boy.  If I'm sick of myself, I have to imagine my close friends and loved ones have to be sick of me clamoring on and on too!)

So, saddened as I was that 
my beautiful blog was no longer beautiful, 
I loved that those are the words that I saw, 
garish and offensive as they were.  
They reminded me that not everything about me 
should be a perfect picture, 
and that growth and change are not seamless and tidy 
and don't always happen behind the scenes.  

And the message that "this image no longer exists
suits me right now. 
It fits. 
It's a great starting point for my journey 
of allowing myself the freedom to let go 
of my need to get to *what's next*.  

And that's partly why I have this blog...
to show my inner struggles for all to see 
(because we all have them and isn't it nice to know 
that we're not alone?) share what I know (not much) 
and what I don't know (a lot) 
and to share the process of learning, 
of tinkering with my thoughts, 
of cleaning up my messes, 
and hopefully, 
celebrating my small victories along the way.

Stay tuned...there will be more to come.  
And I promise I won't make you wait another four months.


cheryl said...

I didn't miss the irony of the timing of your missing pretty blog page and your post but, the pretty borders were not what made your blog beautiful. As your Grandpa always says - it's just window dressing - it's what's inside that counts. Your blog is beautiful by what you share, what you write, and the feelings behind the words.

Jen said...

Aw, thanks!!! What sweet things you said!

cheryl said...

Very pretty - and I love your new button!