Eerie

I'm not a superstitious person. I'm really not. Except the hair on the back of my neck stood up and my tummy felt funny Sunday night as I was driving in my car, listening to the radio.

I was heading back home from the airport after a weekend away (a girls' trip in honor of my dear friend Tricia's upcoming wedding). I had the radio on and was thinking about the week ahead. I remembered that Adam had a PET scan scheduled for Monday. It has been almost a year to the day that he had his surgery. The scan is done to measure the blood flow to the heart. The heart rate is increased artificially and then photos are taken of the heart. Last time this the test was administered, Adam's heart showed over 50% ischemia, meaning that during exertion, Adam's heart was getting less than 50% of the blood it needed. When looking at the pictures, you could see where his heart was also getting enlarged, meaning that it wasn't functioning properly at all when not at rest. This was the test that pushed us over the fence in terms of making the decision to move forward, quickly, with surgery.

Anyhow, as I was thinking pretty deeply about this test and what good (or bad) results would mean for Adam and for us this time around, I reached out and changed channels on the radio. "You Want To Make a Memory" by Bon Jovi had just started on the channel that I turned to. Now, if you've followed my blog, you know what the significance of this song holds for me. If you are only just starting to read it, or are having a senior moment, here's the background: http://talesofasouthernyankee.blogspot.com/2008/08/i-wouldnt-have-missed-dance.html

I felt unsettled and queasy and had this familiar "here we go again" feeling in my (sinking) heart. When I arrived at home, I pushed these thoughts out of my mind. I hadn't seen Adam all weekend, found out the kids had been sick and didn't want to get into any kind of deep discussion. And I'm not above enjoying a little denial either.

Later that night, Adam was organizing his medications for the week and took his daily handful of supplements and lifesaving pills. He immediately realized that he had taken one of the medications he was supposed to refrain from taking in preparation for his test. He figured he would call the hospital in the morning and find out how significantly this might affect the test results. An hour or so went by and he told me he didn't feel all that hot (fighting off the cold that we all have had here) and thought that it might be best to reschedule his test. He said he was so sensitive to those results that he didn't want to do the test with any conditions that would affect the outcome. I told him that though I didn't want to share why, I really wanted him to postpone the test as well. He agreed and will take it later next week. I am partly relieved but partly on edge and trying to remember that I am NOT superstitious.